Monday, October 15, 2007

My New Shameful Reality Show Addiction Part 2

When we last left off, I just finished doing a recap of the contestant intros. Let us continue.

Now comes the first of the twists: the girls don't get to pick their teammates right away, but instead get to mingle with them a bit more at a "slumber party". I was so shocked, I think I have whiplash. The geeks, naturally, were ecstatic. Shay confuses the Hebrew toast L'chaim as "La Ham". But, when they are picking out the cabanas to sleep in, she is the first to offer a spot for one of the geeks (Joshua, ironically, as you will find out later) with her and two other females, so maybe she isn't half bad.

So the night wears on with the requisite forced sexual innuendos and such. When they wake up, they find out that they have to undergo skill analysis to gauge their current levels intellectually (for the girls) or socially (for the guys). Naturally, these are pretty embarrassing tests done in front of a psychiatrist who asks leading and quite awkward questions. The mannequin thing was horrible, not just because it is a goddamn mannequin or that most if not all of these guys have never had a romantic relationship with a woman before, but also because these guys KNOW that this lady (the shrink, not the dummy) is reading all sorts of things in their actions, and they are obviously uncomfortable with that.

And don't think the women had it any easier. The country naming test was torture. But seeing Holly (was that Holly?) zip through the visual puzzles was a hoot. Hearing Natalie (the Hooters girl) say how she never needed to use percentages working in a bar was too damn much. The reading was a bit unfair, because at this point, not many average Americans could read that clearly.

When the time came to reveal the results, it was weird. The host called up Shay and Joshua, with them understandably thinking they had won, but instead revealed that they had the LOWEST scores. That was pretty harsh, even though it was revealed that by having the lowest scores, they actually won the challenge. Supposedly by showing that they were the ones that needed the most help, Shay and Joshua were given the chance to not only pick their teammates, but everyone else's as well. What a twist!

To speed things up a bit, here are the parings, thanks to Wikipedia. Not so surprisingly, beggars CAN be choosers, and geeks can be annoyed when they don't get the hot chick they believe they wanted. Look MORE disappointed, why don't you!

Ah, here comes the last big twist. I may have said it in the previous post, but here it is again: this season, there will be a male "beauty" and a female "geek". It seems that the male "beauty", Sam, while being subtitled a party promoter, is actually an actor as well, having guested on shows like Desperate Housewives and the long lamented Veronica Mars. But some, including myself, remember him as "Quentin", the oldest child and only son on Grace Under Fire (and rumored sexual plaything of Brett Butler). Yeah, totally thought he would be dead by now. He totally fills the role here, as he modestly confesses how, by hooking up with all the women on the show, he would be building up their self-esteem. It is like they reached into my mind and found the perfect person for me to hate. They could have only done better if Dane Cook was involved.

The female geek, Nicole, is quite attractive, as only a female geek could. She looks a bit like Mac from Veronica Mars, and that is definitely a plus. I am not sure if she holds a candle to a certain other geek girl I know, but the season is still young. She is too cute, especially when she says she doesn't have any "game" and actually uses air quotes. Update: just saw her in her "I (heart) Nerds" shirt. Things are not looking good for you, Alex. Nothing against you, just saying.

By the way, you have never seen so many displeased geeks at one time. Unless you were at the premiere of any of the Prequel Trilogy. Damn. I would be afraid for Sam if I didn't think he could beat the crap out of them. Unless he really ticks them off and they build a six foot robot to strangle him. Don't put it past those geeks: this close to poon, and all is fair game. As I hear it, everyone hates the new couple, which really means all of the guys hate Sam, while the girls (minus Nicole) are wondering how long should they wait before jumping his bones in order to not look like the hugest slut there (quite difficult indeed). Nicole, naturally, is fairly ignored.

So the next challenge was a hoot. In this one, the girls had to learn about politics and current events, while the guys, the whitest of white breads, had to write their own autobiographical raps and perform them for Three 6 Mafia, still riding high off of their Oscar. I totally support that, because not only did they do a really good song, but it only highlighted how severely out of touch the Academy is. The LARPer guy (totally filling the Comic Book Guy analogue role) decides to fall back on his skill set and roleplay a rapper persona. His partner, Jasmine, suggested (due to him bringing up his astronomy degree) the line "stars are shiny". Please let them stay on, God. It is like peanut butter and chocolate. I simply cannot resist wanting more.

So the rap contest begins. Nicole seems so surprised to find that guys wish to look at her 'booty'. And when Joshua and Shay got up there, it was like someone had told Three 6 Mafia that somebody crapped in their cereal and they caught the reaction shot. They were also visibly confused when LARPer guy (yeah, I could find out his real name, but he's a damn LARPer) actually spelled LARPER in his rap. Not exactly a common appellation in the hood, you see. Of course, Jasmine's rump-shaking made up for any confusions stemming from said rap. As I said before, please do not let them get kicked off.

Now who would come and completely go all out than the juggler? That's right, John was owning that sh!t. Hell, he was the first one to curse! He even juggled to the beat! So of course he won right? Nope. It came down to him and Will, and Will won. I think the crotch grab did him in.

As for the beauties, why do more typing when the magic of the Internet lets you get a hit of this televised crack yourself?

You thought that was bad? In every round, whoever went first managed to get theri point across with some clarity, while the other person totally blanked. Apparently, if you are a beauty in a debate, never get picked for Con. You will lose every single thing you memorized. To sum up the rest of the challenge, Sam won the debate, mostly because not only did he get Pro, but also because of the topic: lowering the legal drinking age, as he confesses he is quite well acquainted with the idea. Shay gives him a run for his money (especially since she was Con, and Cons get amnesia), but somehow she jogged Sam's memory and he gave a hell of a rebuttal.

So the end is nigh for one couple: either John and Natalie or Tony and Amanda. The girls will be tested on American government, while the guys are being quizzed on rap. Yeah, goodbye Tony.

Girls are up first. Amanda messes up on a president question, while Natalie remembers the words that begin the Preamble to the Constitution. Natalie 1, Amanda 0. Goodbye Tony.

Now the guys. Tony misses probably the easiest question up there. I mean, how many white rappers did he have to know? Only one guy would say something like that, and it would be Vanilla Ice! So, like I said, goodbye Tony. Oh, and Amanda. Good Lord, all the damn crying. And most of it is all from Tony.

So, as they close out on a montage of scenes from the next episode with dramatic music and kooky sound bites, I know that I will want to throw my computer through a wall as I continue to watch this. And yet, I won't, because dammit, I can't help it. The bastards managed to find a reality show I can *gulp* relate to. I hate it. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

4 brain pickings:

  1. So I turn on the TV, and guess what is on. Yep. And I recognized it based on your reviews--which is a huge compliment because as soon as I saw the Grace Under Fire guy, I cringed...
    I'm dazzled and impressed by your wide ranging tastes in women. KENDRA?!? and Geek Girl? Fascinating.

  2. GWCH makes a good point, I'm getting less flattered by the day... Kendra? Seriously?

    I certainly don't own a slogan T-shirt stating my love of all things nerdy. Nope. Move along. Nothing to see here.

  3. girl: Yes, I am a puzzle wrapped in an enigma and so on.... I think physicists cracked the formula that determines which women I would be attracted to in the early '20s, but it was lost in the mists of time. Tesla might have done it as well (Edison is a hack!), but nobody believed him.

    Alex: That Kendra thing was just a fluke! I don't even understand it myself. It is like my like of anchovies. I know they are salty spawns of the devil, but I still like them on my pizza.

    Besides, I would rather see you naked than her anyday, you know that. And if you so happen to pose in that nonexistent geek love t-shirt, I would be more than happy to waste my days looking at such pics. Kendra cannot command that kind of dedication.

  4. Nice recap, I too am loving this show even though I don't really watch any other reality shows. I can't believe you just recapped the first episode though. I think I just watched the fourth one last night. I submitted this show for a real time review on Pajiba, but so far . . . nothin.


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