Greetings, loyal followers and future masters of the lands to fall under my sway,
As many of you are well aware, I planned to begin my incusion into world domination by appearing on the reality television show Beauty and the Geek. I auditioned for last season, but was not chosen. After being given a shot for "The Pickup Artist" (aka "Who Wants To Be A Complete Douchenozzle In A Stupid Hat"), I was contacted again for the upcoming season.
Yes, I heard it was canceled too. Not important now.
What is important is that I need to make another audition tape. The problem is that I hate talking about myself. I have spent the last 20+ years hiding my geekiness to the world, only to be forced to unload it onto a 10-minute video. It doesn't help that I live in a neighborhood that lacks.....a geek-welcoming environement.
Lets face it: if I walked outside my house with a foam sword and a cape on, I would get shot. Hell, I am amazed I haven't gotten shot already.
As I told a college buddy of mine today: I am just used to not talking about myself.
Hardly anyone in my family knows what the hell I talk about most times, my schoolmates were too busy fucking and other stupid teenager stuff, and most of the people I could connect to were out of town, out of state, or out of country. So after a few years of weird stares and an accusation of satanic worship, you kinda learn to not advertise the geekiness so much.
Plus, I am fairly humble, and tend to avoid taking compliments. And I hate seeing myself in front of people. Which is weird, seeing as how I am trying to get onto a television show.
But that is going to change, and you people are going to help me do it. I have 24 hours to make a new tape. And I need questions, suggestions, ideas, what have you. What can I do on this tape to show real geek material? If you can, see if you can find some other audition tapes (not Richard Rubin; that guy makes me feel inadequate in my geekiness) or anything.
Here are some facts about me that you can work with.
Part 1
Part 2
If we do this, I promise to post the video here for your enjoyment. It will be the most open and free I would have been with anyone, including several therapists and my own parents. And you will get to see it first hand.
So, whatcha got?
For my part, I suggest you take some of those toys of yours (I'm assuming these are geek toys, like super hero figurines) and stage an elaborate sequence that demonstrates both your knowledge of the toys backstories and your personal history at the same time. Like have your spider-man figurine tell your plush Yoda about this friend of his, Claude Weaver III and his awesome geekiness. No fancy stop motion effects either, you should show yourself manipulating the toys and giving them funny voices. That is pretty much the geekiest thing I could imagine. Plus, you won't be talking about yourself, the toys will be talking about you.
ReplyDeleteI have too much time on my hands: I went to get ready for work and a more elaborate scenario just manifested itself in my brain: Scene: a bunch of action figures, sitting around a table playing a paper/pencil RPG. They start complaining that the game really sucks. Somebody mentions this legendary gamemaster, Claude Weaver III. They decide to go on a quest to find this person and convince him to lead their game. Possibly there is beer involved in this decision.
ReplyDeleteCut to....various quest related activities, you'd have to think of these yourself, based on the materials you have at hand....
Along the way the characters keep one-upping each other with stories about this Claude person and his geekiness. ("I hear he only had one girlfriend....in 7th grade!" "I here he messes up other people's computers just so he can fix them!") Eventually they find this great gaming master, preferably sitting on something throne-like and dressed like a wizard or something, and he benevolently agrees to lead their game. I take back the earlier part about no stop motion, it would be best if you weren't in any shots until the final scene.
Damn, and you think you're a geek....I realize this would probably be impossible in the time frame you have, but it would be awesome.
You need testimonials from your relatives about the awesomeness of the con. Also, emphasize "Claude". A lot. Perfect geek name.
ReplyDeleteI'd also do a modern-day re-enactment of the Sam's Club pseudo-abandonment scene.
Well look what I just found:
ReplyDeleteMTV may revive "Beauty and the Geek" with celebrities
Cindy
We definitely would have been friends in high school.
ReplyDeleteI'm from Atlanta too, and I always felt like I was an alien because I hated sports, esp. the holy FOOTBALL. Maybe talk about how instead of that you were reading. Also highlight how you helped out those guys in school who got bad grades. The casting agents will eat that up. And definitely talk about your 7th grade girlfriend. Good luck!
Sorry for writing so late!
ReplyDeleteI love S.Pisaster's ideas! But, if you're short on time, I suggest doing a simple white board of your 'self' traversing a very simplified RPG map....like:
Here's goes young Claude...into the forests of the 7th grade, What treasure hath he encountered? A princess!...ah, the Plains of Abandonment and Maternal Machinations! (write Sam's Club)...lost a few points there, but gained some scrolls...the fratological mammarian moundscapes? Not enough EXP.
The whole time you could have your back to the camera while you marker out your life in the third person, end on a high note of potentially accessing some great trial, turn and bow.
With your paper-havin' story skillz, I'm sure you could whip something up for your 'character'.
:)
Good luck - I fall for them geeks, be delighted to see you on there!
THIS IS SOOO FUNNY!! Check it out!!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.dijit.com/dijits/ahs/ahs/