Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Another Goddamn Celeb Post

I believe Tyra a lesbian sexual predator. And that is not just my natural desire for all women to desire other women talking. I don't know if anyone else has pointed this out, but some things need explanation.

- Like her obsession with boobs and asses. Nearly every interview, she talks about how much she wants Beyonce's ass or, on ANTM, how much she talks about the models need to stick their asses out more. And then there is the boob groping. She even grabbed Rosie O'Donnell, for crying out loud. This links into...

- Her insistence on talking about her audience's body parts. Every other episode has to do with enhancing busts, getting jeans to make your ass look better, and myriads of beauty 'secrets'. I know models are obsessed with looks, but that means their own looks, not everyone else's. It is like she is dressing them up for the slaughter.

- Her 'theme' shows, like her 'panty party' and the infamous 'Kiss my FAT ASS', where she seemed to enjoy having her entire audience in little clothing. Notice there are no MEN in her audience. Not a one. You figure there would be at least one gay man into this sort of stuff, or a guy dragged there by his mate, or a sad little man who figured he would ogle Tyra for an hour or two. But no.

- Those very special episodes with female porn stars, teen hookers, strippers and the like. She seems particularly more interested about hearing the lurid details of their lives that hyping whatever temporary fix she puts on them, like most talk show hosts.

- Has anyone witnessed her mentioning a boyfriend or anything? I haven't, not since she went to some basketball player's prom (was it Kobe? I think so).

- She had Janice Dickinson judging ANTM. Nobody can come within 100 feet of that woman and not be sexually assaulted. Hell, Jon Lovitz is getting some ass from her. And I actually like Jon Lovitz.

Now, here are the two best reason I could come up with for these anomalies:

1) She is completely off her rocker


2) She is a severely closeted lesbian who uses her shows to target future conquests

I believe this was the huge beef Tyra had with Naomi Campbell. Tyra loved her, Naomi only loves herself, and their torrid affair was shattered, breaking Tyra's heart into a million pieces. Naomi could give a rat's ass. So now Tyra uses her shows to scope put other women to secretly approach once the cameras are off. She uses her theme shows to see who has the hottest bodies, then asks for some private "backstage sessions", where the only autograph you get is on an NDA.

Plus, she does idolize Oprah, and that whole Gayle King issue has been under a bit of scrutiny...

I swear this is not a fever dream brought on by too little sex, too much "accidentally" swallowed mouthwash, and barely enough sleep while watching the Oxygen Network. REALLY!

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3 brain pickings:

  1. I am so embarrassed to know this but...Tyra didn't go to prom with Kobe, Brandy did. Tyra used to date Chris Webber, former UM Fab Fiver. He also used to play for the Sacramento Kings or something. I don't know, I don't follow the NBA.

    I love your theory of the Tyra/Naomi feud.

  2. Thank you for correcting me. This just highlights how weird it is that very little about her romantic life is known, considering her positioning in the spotlight and all. You would think that any man dating her would get some scrutiny.

  3. Dude, you know a lot about Tyra. And I can relate to the too little sex thing. I find myself watching a lot of Bravo and TLC, it's just the sad state of things.


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