Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Chat Post Theatre Presents: DAZZLE!!!!!, An Overlong Post

Where A Desire to Emulate The Author of Twilight Leads To A Dark and Regretful Turn.

Courtesy of Facebook.

Curtains open. A young man and woman walk out and take seats.

GWCH: what are you up to, other than mocking twilight

Claude: Studying between mockings mostly

GWCH: cool

Claude: I found this LiveJournal posts where the poster is discussing Twilight in the context of the LDS
It makes it even more creepy and hilarious. And shows how little originality the books have

GWCH: i think i'll skip that
and technically, i shouldn't talk
bcz i am enjoying true blood WAY to much
then again, i wait for moments of hilarity in a sea of wtf

Claude: I must inflict the wonderful misery on someone:
then enjoy

GWCH: i'm not going to click on it
who am i kidding
i can't resist a hyperlink

Claude: I love that in one board, somebody posted as Jane Austen saying "Bitch please"


GWCH: ok
i can't get to far into it now
bcz i'm trying to bake and make dinner
when iread dustin's review
and the reference to 'sparkling' in the sun
i was laughing so hard i was crying--bcz that's just stupid

Claude: it gets worse. But It is truly hilarious
I get the crack reference now
Even when it is diluted, the book's addictive, mostly to see how much worse it gets
You have your deluded crackheads, that think the stuff is the greatest thing since sliced bread
The recreational users, who know it is bad, and "can stop anytime"
And the contact highs.

GWCH: oh good grief, this is ridiculous

Claude: LOL

GWCH: the kid who plays the pasty guy will never have a career
where he's not dressed up as a cure fan trying not to kill his girlfriend

Claude: This is why I didn't get how folks were pissed that the stars were talking shit about their own movie.

GWCH: ok, if this is actually in the book, i have to wonder what the hell is wrong with people: And he's been sniffing her surreptitiously since she got to town.

Claude: Yes...
Soak it in...

GWCH: oh no
i'm going to kill these images as fast as i can

Claude: HAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

GWCH: by making high calorie things and not leaving the kitchen
we can totally get rich writing

Claude: Indeed

GWCH: look at the level of crap that is out there as 'popular'
i can write crap
i can ham it up for a couple of interviews

Claude: Me too
That is all I have been doing

GWCH: i insult people all the time--insulting their intelligence shouldn't be too hard

Claude: Dumbasses....yep too easy

GWCH: we need to get started
before smart comes back into fashion

Claude: I really do have an idea for a counter-Twilight vampire book

GWCH: which our new prez elect will probably contribute to

Claude: But it is actually well developed with real characters and some complexity

GWCH: no no no
you're getting it wrong already

Claude: I am trying to be stupid, but it is sooooo hard!

GWCH: you can't develop the characters--these ppl can't handle that stuff
just think of something really dumb
like a were wolf
whose fur is just irresistable to some neglected girl

Claude: Becasue it smells like butterscotch after a heavy rain

GWCH: and how she is sure her love for him will stop him from eating her for dinner during a full moon or something

Claude: And there is this....Frankenstien monster that happens to be made from the cast memebrs of Gossip Girl

GWCH: and you know what?
i almost admire men for not reading

Claude: So he is ridiculously hot in all its dead body parts glory

GWCH: bcz at least they're not reading shit like sex and the city and twilight

Claude: Ha

GWCH: make him the PERFECT man
he is a patchwork of a bunch of perfect body parts
he's just angry bcz no one understands him and his pain

Claude: And he is jsut so tortured he has to stalk the girl

GWCH: if he could only fit in with all the other beautiful people, everything would be ok

Claude: He needs a makeover

GWCH: so he can love her for ever and ever

Claude: By the popular kids

GWCH: and maybe a really gay character will dress him up and call him fabulous
claude, we have half the book worked out now

Claude: When he gets his lettersman jacket, they will all feel so grody.

GWCH: you better give me contributing credit

Claude: Oh, and have the really slutty hot chick, that makes the main girl the Virgin Mary in comparison
Sucker....get your own!

GWCH: yes
this was a collaboration
i'm not saying 50-50
but you know 60-40 would be acceptable
take me on the publicity tour
with a clothing budget

Claude: Sure thing, and you can get the film rights

GWCH: that's all i really care about
bcz i'm a girl

Claude: Just no swooning over the man meat

GWCH: hell no
depending on who it is
and we have to start thinking of casting
you can never start thinking about these things to early

Claude: Excuse me? I am a dark and brooding male, you have to do as I say, or I will leave you and you will cry.

GWCH: oh no!
please, don't leave
i'm already teary as we speak
i'll just go shoe shopping
i promise
i'm sory

Claude: Right then

GWCH: sorry
i think my head will explode

Claude: Becasue if I can't have you, no one can

GWCH: aw thanks

Claude: Unless I want a sheep or some new tires, then you get traded

you dont' even have a car

Claude: They will be good tires. Michelin
I totally do have a car.
I only let the good girls who know how to be obsessed with me inside of it

GWCH: oh
well, you're out of luck with me
i couldn't care less about cars
so i guess you'll leave me behind
and i'll be left with my closet full of shoes and baked goods

Claude: I feel like sparkling right now. Wait, somebody has that already. I will...dazzle. Yes DAZZLE!!!!!

GWCH: omg
what if you get stuck in this mode?

Claude: DAZZLE!!!!!
*jumps through the air*

GWCH: and we lose you to this for ever?
come back!

Claude: DAZZLE!!!!

GWCH: read pajiba
talk to manny
please, come back! snark!


GWCH: omg--i crack up each time you say dazzle


GWCH: this is so sad--and has so much potential

Claude: DAZZLE!!!!!

GWCH: now i'm officially worried about you

Claude: I can't breathe

GWCH: crap i have to rescue dinner

Claude: Too...much...DAZZLE!!!!

GWCH: i think i need to plan an intervention
i'll organize something tomorrow

Claude: Save dinner? What you need is DAZZLE!!!!!

GWCH: shut up

Claude: Help me
I can't stop

GWCH: i'm seeing my husband for the first time in a week

Claude: I am even doing hand gestures

GWCH: you freak

Claude: DAZZLE!!!!

GWCH: i'm not going to sit in front of the computer laughing at your crazy antics
ps send me a signed copy of the book

Claude: Of course

GWCH: ok, i really have to go now

Claude: To GWCH, DAZZLE!!! Love Claude


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