Thursday, June 21, 2007

Getting to Know The Crazy Man Talking To You, Part 3

You thought it was over, didn't you? You thought that there could possibly be more questions asked about me? That I had exhausted the pool of knowledge about the dynamo that is Vermillion?

You thought wrong.

Now I will include commentary, for those who may not understand the complex online personage I have managed to craft. Any references to a mysterious message board will remain mysterious until I get an all-clear from the owner, since I am still a bit confused on the linking rules.

1. What's your favorite element... Fire, Wind, Water, or Earth

Water. It adapts easily to any environment, opts to work around an obstacle instead of resisting it, and when under enough pressure, can overcome anything in its path. And it can take out the other three elements (extinguish fire, steal air from lungs, and erode and shatter earth) and emulate them as well (steam, fluid, and ice).

2. What do you consider yourself most... Hero or Villian?

Hero. Definitely. I may do some things that aren't the nicest in the world, but everyone would be better off. And even if I was a villain, I would only be one because it is easier for people to band together against one common enemy than to unite on their own. So I would be bringing world piece either by the palm of my hand or the heel of my boot.

As you can tell, I spent entirely too much time thinking about this.

3. Super Speed, Flight, or Super Jump. Which of these 3 transportation powers do you prefer?

Super-Speed, because of my ADD. Seriously. I want to get somewhere fast, and flying gets you noticed by the FAA, while jumping is kinda dumb, unless you are the Hulk (who can do whatever the hell he wants).

4. Why do you think Beyonce doesn't have a soul?

At first, it was merely a joke. But as I learned more about her and her career and life, it seemed quite apparent to me that she had no more zeal for life. Her songs about love and emotion were hollow. Her whole solo career and persona is a overproduced and manufactured sham. Hell, she barely there when she was with Destiny's Child. Her mother turned her into a personal Barbie doll, her father pimps her out to whoever will have her, and she is with a man that is supposedly so classy, yet still considers women mere targets to be conquered and bragged about in his insipid albums.

And the few flawed aspects of her are just as fake. All that 'Sasha' crap is a marketing gimmick to make people think she has more substance than she actually does. She is unable, either through fear of rejection or unfamiliarity, to show any true emotion, and if she does manage it, she would rather use a made-up second 'personality' to explain it away than have people believe she is a woman and human being with feelings.

And the only reason I am so critical of her is because I do care about her. But caring about someone doesn't mean you have to accept everything they do.

Whew. Had a moment there.

Commentary: Now it has developed that on the particular mesage board these questions came from, I am considered the go-to guy for insulting Beyonce. I am not saying it is a bad thing, just that I am MORE that that.


1. Since I've also met K.Bell, I'm going to be in the hunt to be 'Property of K.Bell' what do the two of you think your chances are against me?

I would have said pretty good, but I have seen your girlfriends. So I know you must have potent dark powers to enslave her with. So I will simply wait for you to do your deal, then come in as the knight in shining armor and slay you. Conflict solved.

Commentary: One of the board members met Kristen Bell at a con, and wonders of wonders, got her to AUTOGRAPH HIS ARM, stating that he was now "Property of K.Bell". It is now a war to see who can top them. The closest I have gotten: getting autographed pics of both Alan Tudyk and Summer 'Main Crush Now' Glau at Dragon*Con.

2. Vermy, if America Ferrera showed up on your doorstep wearing very little, would you turn her away?


I would like to say yes, but let's be realistic. I can't afford for my standards to be that high. And it would be a hell of a boost to my self-esteem. So I would sleep with her, and if she still wants to return to her boyfriend, I will have to kill him.

Commentary: I am in love with America Ferrera (and Summer Glau, and quite a few others; I am easy). But I also have this hangup about desiring women who are already taken. Kind of a "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" sort of thing. I figure, I am enough of a pervert, I don't need more marks against me at the End of Days.

3. How soon would you check yourself into a nuthouse if you did?

Never. They would have to drag me kicking and screaming from between her luscious melons. All the while, the entire world will know who vexed me so: EVIL!!!!!!

Commentary: Evil is a board member who thinks it is funny to pester me through IM with pics of America and other hot yet taken women. He is an ass and proud of it. In fact, he is the one asking these questions, which helps explain #5.

4. Booch, Jessica Alba v. Jessica Biel v. K.Bell in a chocolate pudding match, who wins and why?

Since it is here, I will put in my answer. Alba has some martial training, but is has been a while since she has used it. Biel has the physical advantage and reach. K.Bell is probably more of a tactician than anything. So, I would say maybe K.Bell if she pulls a Rope-a-Dope and lets the two Jessicas tire each other out.

But the real winners are the audience.

I know, they are pretty much persona non grata on Pajiba, but hey, they are sexy to me. Sorry.

5. The inevitable [message board] movie, who would get cast to play me? and why?

Based on ability to look like sheer absolute EVIL:

Christopher Walken

Willem Dafoe

Christopher Lee

Robert Knepper (T-Bag from Prison Break) - front runner

Jack Coleman (Mr Bennet from Heroes)

Based on ability to get hotter women than you rightfully deserve:

Donald Trump

Wilmer Valderrama

Nick Cannon (in Wayans Bros brand whiteface)

Based on ability to piss me off:

Any male that has ever put their member within ten feet of Paris Hilton

Hell with can play YOURSELF.

Commentary: Not much to say. I hate Nick Cannon.

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