Some time ago, I got into a discussion with some members of my family about my taste in movies. Specifically, my dislike of films such as Transformers 2 and the oeuvre of Tyler Perry. Somebody asked if the reason such films infuriate me is because I feel that I can do better. That such drek pisses me off because I see it as a waste. At the time, I honestly thought that was the case. I really did believe that I COULD make a better movie than them.
This last month or so, I have realized that this was wrong. I hate those films, yes, but not because I think I can do better. I KNOW I can't do better. I can't even attempt to do better.
I recently attempted to try and add some much need flourish to my stagnant blog here. I was brimming with ideas. I was going to do video! I was going to do funny lists! I was going to do reviews and sketches and all kinds of crazy stuff and make the most of this little corner of cyberspace. Cannonball Read 3 was supposed to be the catalyst for this new change. I was going to do more than a tossed together text review like I did before. I was going to engage and shit.
But when it came down to it, I couldn't do it. My first review was a textual mess, my second a rushed video that I deleted off the site. I promised myself I was going to do better with the next one. I wrote a script, had it proofread and everything. Had my camera ready to go. But I couldn't do it.
I got a email form a casting director from my flirtation with reality TV. They were asking for submissions for a new show and everything. I was going to do that, too. Figured this would get me to be more comfortable talking about myself to other people, something I always struggled with. But I couldn't even get past answering the sample questions. I didn't even get past question 4. Out of 11.
And you want to know what freaks me out the most about doing this? It isn't criticism. I understand criticism. Like it or not, it has a point. Whether it is constructive or not, criticism shows that not only are people seeing your work, but they care enough about it to say something, even if it is "this sucks!".
Nope, it is silence. They are right when they say there is no such thing as bad publicity; even invective and bile is better than utter. FUCKING. SILENCE. When people don't care, when they honestly don't give a shit, they don't waste their time saying so. They simply ignore you. Take a look around here. Who comes to this site? Who is actually being entertained by this? By the looks of it, not a damn soul. The "top" post as far as views on this site came from a comment a wrote about a naked picture scandal. Whoopee.
Do you realize how hard it is to be creative? To put thought to paper, to film, to screen? To put something so infused with yourself out in public for people to criticize? It is ROUGH. I have always respected people who could do it, but now, I can't ever knock someone for doing it. They are indeed doing something I simply CANNOT do. Even the people who I think are terrible at it are capable of doing more than I ever will.
So yeah, I'm not doing this anymore. I just can't.
No videos. No blog posts. No commentaries. Nothing. It is simply not meant to be.
If you could do me a favor, the three or so of you actually reading this, if you catch me online complaining about something (a movie, a person, whatever) remind me of this, so I can shut up.
Because I can only complain if I can do better. And I can't.