Monday, March 03, 2008

Well, it is official.

The latest season of Beauty and the Geek is premiering on the 11th.

Unless there is some weird double season, this would be Season 5.

The season I applied for.

God, I never thought this would feel so bad. It is a freaking reality show. Why should I care? Did I really think I had a shot?

Still, it is pretty consistent with my record so far.

Science Fairs Won: 0 (closest was second place, schoolwide, which was like, a B on a test).
Scholarships Won: 1 (which forced me to attend a school I hated from the get go, and ended up losing anyway).
Colleges/Universities I Actually Wanted to Attend: 0.
Private Schools I Wanted To Attend: 0.
Jobs I Wanted And Applied For Myself: 0 (All my actual jobs, including the one I have now, came through family hookups and were never even third choice).
Response Letters From IBM On Their Job Offer: 0 (despite the fact they said they would respond NO MATTER WHAT THE DECISION, and spent money on flying my ass to White Plains to interview).

Total Successful Attempts At Doing Something I Let Myself Care About: ZE-fucking-RO.

And my folks wonder why I am so hard to motivate, why I don't like doing new things or only want to do things that are easy for me. Take a good fucking look, and you can see why. As soon as I attempt something I might actually enjoy, failure is the only result. And not even clear-cut failure. No, I have wait and wonder, the tension simmering to a fine broth to add a little tang to the crushing disappointment.

And that counselor said I had bouts of depression. No shit, Sherlock, ain't nothing to be happy about.

Well, I have learned my lesson. I need to stop acting like I am going to get anything I might actually want. It won't get me next time. No, sirree. I quit. You win. I won't do that again. I am just going to accept my lot in life, and won't try to change a thing.

What is that old lottery slogan? "You can't win if you don't play"?

Well you can't lose, either. And that has to count for something.

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3 brain pickings:

  1. Buddy, you are far too young to be giving up already. You're one of the smartest people I (sort of) know. Just because you've had a string of bad luck for a few years is no cause for giving up.

    Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and come out swinging. Not getting your hopes up is one thing... not trying at all is just stupid.

    As you can see, I'm not too good at consoling people. But I hope you get my meaning. You've got a pile of potential... to quote the Toasters: Don't let the bastards grind you down

  2. Absolutely what TK said. You can't just lie down and give up, ever. That'd be letting the bastards win.

    Rejection sucks with the strength of a billion swirling black holes but it makes the good things that much sweeter. I know this sounds like an absolute pile of crap but some of the most miserable people I know are the ones who got everything they wanted.

    My strategy was as follows: Apply for anything and everything and accept that 90% of the time you won't even get so much as a response. Also: develop the vital skill of being able to convince yourself you didn't really want to do whatever it was anyway.

    You'll get there in the end, or at least I think you will.

  3. Yeah, what they said...

    I know your pain. I worked in live theater for a number of years and auditioning is a Sisyphean hell of rejection. There were a number of times in my life, particularly my early twenties, when I really wanted to jam my head in the oven.

    On the plus side, all that rejection made the light even brighter when I actually did accomplish/achieve something. Plus my skin is super-thick and extra tough! Shiny!

    You'll get through this, even though it seems like you're mired in the molasses of unfulfilled dreams. Keep on plugging, tilt at those freaking windmills, and there will come a day when you look back at this current malaise and laugh.

    Fuck those "Beauty and the Geek" people.


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